mamihlapinatapai

this amazing word defines:

"A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start."

looks like relationships are cryptic for a reason. bloody words :)

better.

and sometimes a song always helps us out a little.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSOuWn7EmpM

'just trying to figure you out'.

open up.

without thinking i've opened this website to splurge my thoughts somewhere and quickly. here goes.

closed book aren't fun. there's only so much time you can spend looking at the cover and reading the blurb, the boring summary that leaves out the nitty-gritty bits of the story. a bit like the people we meet and the small talk that is endured to 'suss them out'.
it gets a little tedious when you're reading the same blurb over and over again.
but i'd read my favourite book ten, twenty times over.

never particularly enjoyed mystery novels so kind of unsure as to why i'm playing a guessing game.

that's a lie, i know exactly why:

sometimes you just have to write in a blog because you're too cowardly to tell someone what you actually think. but at the same time you're still writing & pretending to yourself that inadvertently they'll know what the hell you're going on about, that it's about them, that they affected your life in this way.

i don't want to be part of 'who plays it the coolest?' or can score highest on a continuum of mindfuck. we literally cannot help ourselves. even if you think you don't, you do. whether it's delaying reading and replying to the text because you feel the other person derserves to wait or trying the 'i'm-not-bothered' tone to be 'cool'. we think it's giving the other person space and testing our 'wantedness' by the other; leting them make up their own mind if they wanna talk to you.

i do it. and i hate doing it. and i hate texting.

how about we have really intimate, intense conversations and write them to eachother in plain words and then when it appears on the screen, you'll need to denote the tone, intonation and stress of what i'm saying. it's a bloody puzzle and there's always a piece missing.

why can't we all just tell eachother what's going through our minds, truthfully. ask the questions we want answered without the fear of painting ourselves in a way we wish not to be.
there are things i want to say, that if i do i run the risk of jeorpordising something that is essentially what could be something good. i have this annoying ingrained fucking notion of inadequacy within myself, that stops me wearing my heart on my sleeve. obviously it's best to protect it and keep everything tied up inside, mouth shut, key thrown away.

(i don't really believe this, i tell myself i do).

mini-rant, i am none the clearer, i'll most probably just be called emo.

i like you. i also like you.

laters. xoxx

"There are mistakes that I'd like to change, but I don't trip on them too hard."

So Jay Adams said, the original Z-Boy. 
A real quote from a real guy. And why would he? (except for maybe the prison sentences). He did what he loved; what he felt passion for. But knew that this passion was a fragile state of mind. The passion is too easy to damage and at risk of disappearing through the hypes and promises of money, fame and success. Jay (if I may) just wanted to 'keep it real' and be on the streets, taking everything as it comes; holding onto the real, gritty skateboard mentality that has an air of admiration about it.

The Z-Boys. They knew who they were, they knew what they wanted to do and who gave a sh** if it pissed people off. Instead of regurgitating cheesy lines of pondering and love out of chick-flick scripts, films on the skateboard boys show it how is it. None of these perfectly released lovesick lines that make us girls quiver with hope, they just were, they just lived for themselves and the board (nope, not a girl unfortunately). They "seized the moment" without even acknowledging what they were really doing. All they wanted to do was skate.

It's not always going to be happy days, and, amidst the grinding wheels and concrete dreams there's definitely going to be a few rats. So you've got to rise above it; don't let others bring you down. Believe in yourself that you're worth it. even if you're the only one that thinks so.

So on a grander scale, this skateboarder mentality might apply to something else. All I want do is live. Maybe taking a leaf out of a skater's book will cause me inspiration.  
Be real but keep your dreams alive. 
Think the best in people until they prove you otherwise. 
Make sure you laugh as much as you can and take note of when you do. You'll see what's making you happy and make sure you hold on to that.

Mistakes happen, some people suck, everyone hurts and yes, sometimes it's all very unfair. Find out what your passionate about and do it on purpose.

you spin me right round.

mainly i just like this picture,

there are a few things that aren't cool.
those f'ing heelies are one of them.
but indescribable on a continuum of cool & something i just don't understand is public humiliation to someone similar to you. why would you wish that upon someone?
i'm not trying to say i know exactly what i'm doing all the time or get 'mean girls' on your asses but c'mon now.
i was lucky enough in earlier years to have a group of girls that shared the same thinking, looked out for one another & never experienced grave accounts of 'drama', or not between eachother.
i realise i was blessed. i still am to have them in my life still.

what is the need for malicious judgments online, in an infinite space. whether it's there 10 seconds or 10 minutes.
allow attacking a person on a network of 'friends'. weird.
when you type, you're thinking about what you're writing. it cannot be spontaneous, it is premeditated.
maybe think.
i wish everybody got along, but unfortunately that will never be the case. surely there are too many good things in life to care about vocalising pathetic high-school vendettas.
i am in fact a new coffee fan.
sorry if you find reading this a waste of time. i genuinely think that my brain will explode soon. grrr.

peas & carrots. xX currently listening to mariah carey 'we belong together'. & loving it.

no actual thoughts.

and sometimes we just have to sit down, put the tv on mute, play your favourite songs and think about everything at the same time.
round and round.

things you love, stuff you don't, things you wish hadn't happened, things you're glad that did.
what makes you tick, what makes you squirm. what do you reckon?
i love cheesy lyrics, toast, the word 'beard', lil wayne and positivity.
i hate baked beans (especially in those yogurt pots) and louis walsh.

i love picking up my best friends on the way to uni because we can sing along to radio one before our 9am lectures. and anyone that makes me laugh in a day.
and moments on shiny paper.
i hate spotify adverts.
i love anyone that actually gives a shit. because that's cool.
smile.
it only happens once.

k bye with love.

coincidence does not imply causality.

another kelly scowen original photo.

The 'cause and effect' philosophy. One action or event will encourage a certain response in the form of another event. The second event is the consequence of the first. This is causality. The fact that tsunamis are created when the tectonic plates under the ocean shift, causing an underwater earthquake is simply 'cause and effect'. We endure cause and effect everyday, sometimes not this purely.

However, on occasion we label these causes in error. This sneaky concept called coincidence steps in. But because of our humanity (or maybe it's just me), we feel the need to find reason behind everything. "I am this, because of this" etc. I mean, granted there are the obvious examples, like drinking your body weight in alcohol will inevitably make you feel like shit the next day. Or going to bed at stupid o'clock will make you feel tired and ruin your early start (can you tell I'm a student?). But these situations are on part controlled either chemically or physically. Alcohol is a drug and your body needs sleep.

What about the social actions we take and the effects that result? This feels much more ambiguous. Sometimes the line between 'consequence' and 'coincidence' is not so obvious. A part of me refuses to believe that everything must be consequence; it feels too deterministic. I do believe, on some level that incidents happen for a reason but maybe the idea of coincidence gives a little more room in the free will area.

Like reading someone's emails. Let's call her Confused. One day Confused leaves her emails open, in a place that I am unavoidably going to walk past. There's a monitor on, Yahoo! display on 100% brightness. Naturally attracted to it I'd wander over. Now what I read (yes, I should have probably walked away) are personal matters that I refuse to believe I should 'consequently' find and feel the need to deal with. If this was a 'consequence' of a previous action either myself or Confused had made then surely that means I now need to take action on this to form another. Are you with me? So even though the social situation involved has nothing whatsoever to do with me, the next move is mine.

Take this as 'coincidence' and I am not forced to or feel much obliged to do anything about it. I am not part of this; regardless of the fact I now know something private and arguably wrongful. 'Coincidence' remarks sequential events that have no apparent causal connection. At the same time Confused went out leaving the computer on, I walked into the house and up the stairs. Something that occurs everyday at some point. It just so happened that it was my unlucky day, that eventually ended in writing about it. Maybe I'll choose to get on with my life, love it and stop worrying.