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My Last Summer. Channel 4 addressing the taboo topic of dying.

Andy, Jayne, Ben, Lou and Junior. My Last Summer.
Picture: Channel 4.

Newest Channel 4 documentary follows five terminally ill people who come together to talk about, sometimes frankly, about their impending deaths. They laugh, cry, joke, talk – but crucially, their dying.

Sobfest 2014. That's what sprung to mind when My Last Summer was advertised recently. In reality, over an hour of viewing and there's fewer sob stories than an episode of X Factor. Don't get me wrong, there's a tear or two for their heartache and families, but these people know that discussing death is a taboo. It's a subject no-one wants to think about, let alone voice. Executive Producer, Kieran Smith hopes that people “…gain strength from it, and learn from it. And for there to be an openness that this will one day happen to all of us, so we have to talk about it.” Although true, the fact remains that some people must prepare sooner than others.

Diagnosed in 2007, Lou has motor neurone disease. She talks with her eldest of “chocolate-ing” rather than dying but has been open with her four children about her condition. Junior, an ex-DJ, suffers with prostate cancer. His relationship with girlfriend Sonja is genuine and moving yet unsettling and broken. She admits they wouldn’t still be together without the cancer. Jayne had breast cancer that metastasised. Although she comes across strong and bold, her marriage is facing separation due to her husband’s disconnection with her diagnosis. After being cleared of leukaemia, Andy is now faced with lung complications that are terminal and there’s Ben, who has made a conscious decision to distance himself from family and friends. He is also dying of leukaemia.

Through the drama and situations of the programme, Jayne is seen crying after opening up about her marriage and Junior has a serious argument with Sonja that felt slightly awkward to watch. Yet it was Ben who caught the eye – even if from the corner of the camera. He was, aesthetically, the most affected by his disease, deciding to face his illness alone, still carrying his cigarettes wherever he goes. When we first meet him he sarcastically remarks that it would make for a better show if someone were to die during filming. And that may be true but in heart, Ben’s story is the saddest of the group.

This new Channel 4 documentary was certainly upsetting but there was an intriguing strength to it. Instead of squeezing you of sympathy it showed you how some people can see the world when their facing the scariest moment of life. The end. In the first of four parts there was a good introduction to the stronger personalities of the group, some of which voting in favour of euthanasia. But, hopefully we’ll see a deeper insight into the more thoughtful and quieter characters next time around.

One things for sure. Don’t take anything for granted.

Imagine if you couldn't remember reading this.

This looks like waffle, but it's not. It's my story.
I don't think it will bore you but let me know if I'm wrong.





You think there’s all the time in the world.
My grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and it’s not that I was too young or innocent but I didn’t know much about it then. I couldn’t even tell you the year it happened. That I feel awful about (but this isn’t about me). In 2012 she passed away, in a lovely home but not alone. Somehow, the inner strength she no longer knew had outlived the hero that was my grandad. My story is for both of them. Grandma Gwen and Grandad Jack Scowen. A slightly unhinged but gentle woman, and an inspirational, wholehearted man who together share one half of our family, our beginnings as Scowens.
We went to visit them in Salisbury, Wiltshire. There was always a sign to Nomansland which we would giggle every time we saw it, knowing we were closer to the grandparents. We said our ‘hellos’ and wondered to the living room, awaiting some tea and biscuits. In came grandma, and looked to her right, straight at me sitting on the sofa. “What’s your name?” she asked me.
My insides honestly crumbled. I had that sick heart beat right in your stomach – kind of like how I do now writing this. “Kelly” I mumbled back and as she turned her attention elsewhere I got up and headed straight for the toilet for a right old sob (not uncommon for those who know me, but maybe warranted in this instance). It’s a sinking-ship feeling and one I’m sure so many of us understand. Funnily enough, the rest of that visit is a bit of a blur.
Anyway, I’m not heading for a sob story or sympathy. Because from there my grandad dedicated his life to caring for her, trying to make everything okay – help to remember things, assist in everyday things we don’t give two thoughts about. It saddens me that there wasn’t immediate help or unfunded support available to professionally take care of my grandma. Support that might have extended my grandad’s life a few more years, to love her through everything. Because even though she didn’t know who she was, she knew him. And I’m so happy I knew them. They gave me my dad; who is a bit of a legend! So if there’s anything, at all, to learn. Be thankful. Make sure the people you love, know it. There’s nothing much more important than that because one day, it might not be there.
Symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease develop gradually; it is a progressive condition. Today, nearly 800,000 people in the UK suffer from Alzheimer’s, the most common form of dementia. Although the cause is relatively unknown and we can sometimes try and make it a softer subject by saying “it’s because we’re all living longer”, it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve come across many people who have experienced Alzheimer’s in their lives – and often it’s a common ground in conversation but it’s not a comforting thing. It’s actually a little unnerving.
Alzheimer’s Society is a membership organisation which works to improve the quality of life of people affected by dementia in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. They work to support and research for people with dementia, the families and carers. There are over 20,000 members offering 2,000 services. Staff and volunteers offer day care and home care for families and partners to cope with the demands of the disease. I’m only running 10k, but I’m doing it to help Alzheimer’s research and support. Thank you if you choose to donate a few pennies, it means so much. It gives an extra spur of motivation to feel like you’re making a difference. As Tesco’s would say, “Every Little Helps”.
Yours,
Kelly xo


p.p.s. for those interested, watch this space for a Mixed Netball Tournament. It’s going to happen! All for a great cause.

SEND IT.


i was introduced to 'SEND IT' yesterday, first encountered when my friend tim decided to eat a mini pork pie in one mouthful.
"SEND IT" someone shouted.

"can you flick my cigarette over the fence?"
"SEND IT."

"okay i'm going to do a flip on the trampoline."
"SEND IT."

"i dunno what to do about this chick."
"SEND IIIIIT."

"but what if...?"
"just SEND IT."

by the end of the day we'd decided that 'send it' was to be our new phrase, basically meaning whatever you want it to but ultimately describing the action of doing something you want done. being active, sorting yourself out, taking a chance or just being a fool (in the fun sense).
we were 'sending' stuff here, there and everywhere.

perhaps this is why yesterday became a day to remember in more ways than one.
a formal occasion in the morning didn't put us in the best frame of mind but quickly time became a celebration, attitudes towards the 23rd june began to change and it didn't take long for our silly chattings and antics to plaster big smiles over our faces.

i turned up to the trampoline garden, everyone now out of their suited and booted attire and jumping like maniacs on the squeaky toy. I undid my boot laces and was adamant to get involved immediately.
"do a flip kel, send it."
aaaaaaaah, my mind was so on it. had to practice with my hands, then gained some confidence and started bouncing a little higher. the feeling when you're absolutely prepared to flip yourself over and you wimp out is so overwhelming. i started to get angry. i could definitely do this!
"SEND IT!!!"
fuck it. jumped, neck tucked, body curled in the air and i landed 360 degrees later, still in tact!
it felt amazing.
(obviously tim had to 'send' the flip after a girl had; he is now better than me but at least his motivation came from somewhere!)

it was then time to take the rubber dinghy to haversham river so that the boys could 'send it' and row themselves along. well it worked and i couldn't help feeling pretty proud of them, must have been going for about an hour, definitely until it was dark.
i did some more of my own 'send its' last night but a blog doesn't mean you have to go into every minor detail, i'll keep some bits to meself. i started to think that 'SEND IT' was more about spontaneity and getting a thrill out of something.

so whatever, these are all little things as the consequence of our 'sending it' but they make all the difference. just don't think twice. get excited.
as i'm writing this it all sounds pretty youthful; i have absolutely no problem with this.
excitement is wonderful.
yes there are levels of it; over-excitement is a pain in the ass but that's besides the point.
give a shit, even 'send it' to people.
but they aren't excited about you, then find someone that is.
you totes deserve it.

i fully encourage everyone to SEND IT and see what happens.

peas & carrots. xx

mamihlapinatapai

this amazing word defines:
"A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start."

looks like relationships are cryptic for a reason. bloody words :)

better.

and sometimes a song always helps us out a little.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSOuWn7EmpM

'just trying to figure you out'.

open up.



without thinking i've opened this website to splurge my thoughts somewhere and quickly. here goes.


closed book aren't fun. there's only so much time you can spend looking at the cover and reading the blurb, the boring summary that leaves out the nitty-gritty bits of the story. a bit like the people we meet and the small talk that is endured to 'suss them out'.
it gets a little tedious when you're reading the same blurb over and over again.
but i'd read my favourite book ten, twenty times over.



never particularly enjoyed mystery novels so kind of unsure as to why i'm playing a guessing game.

that's a lie, i know exactly why:


sometimes you just have to write in a blog because you're too cowardly to tell someone what you actually think. but at the same time you're still writing & pretending to yourself that inadvertently they'll know what the hell you're going on about, that it's about them, that they affected your life in this way.


i don't want to be part of 'who plays it the coolest?' or can score highest on a continuum of mindfuck. we literally cannot help ourselves. even if you think you don't, you do. whether it's delaying reading and replying to the text because you feel the other person derserves to wait or trying the 'i'm-not-bothered' tone to be 'cool'. we think it's giving the other person space and testing our 'wantedness' by the other; leting them make up their own mind if they wanna talk to you.

i do it. and i hate doing it. and i hate texting.


how about we have really intimate, intense conversations and write them to eachother in plain words and then when it appears on the screen, you'll need to denote the tone, intonation and stress of what i'm saying. it's a bloody puzzle and there's always a piece missing.


why can't we all just tell eachother what's going through our minds, truthfully. ask the questions we want answered without the fear of painting ourselves in a way we wish not to be.
there are things i want to say, that if i do i run the risk of jeorpordising something that is essentially what could be something good. i have this annoying ingrained fucking notion of inadequacy within myself, that stops me wearing my heart on my sleeve. obviously it's best to protect it and keep everything tied up inside, mouth shut, key thrown away.

(i don't really believe this, i tell myself i do).


mini-rant, i am none the clearer, i'll most probably just be called emo.

i like you. i also like you.


laters. xoxx

"There are mistakes that I'd like to change, but I don't trip on them too hard."

So Jay Adams said, the original Z-Boy. 
A real quote from a real guy. And why would he? (except for maybe the prison sentences). He did what he loved; what he felt passion for. But knew that this passion was a fragile state of mind. The passion is too easy to damage and at risk of disappearing through the hypes and promises of money, fame and success. Jay (if I may) just wanted to 'keep it real' and be on the streets, taking everything as it comes; holding onto the real, gritty skateboard mentality that has an air of admiration about it.

The Z-Boys. They knew who they were, they knew what they wanted to do and who gave a sh** if it pissed people off. Instead of regurgitating cheesy lines of pondering and love out of chick-flick scripts, films on the skateboard boys show it how is it. None of these perfectly released lovesick lines that make us girls quiver with hope, they just were, they just lived for themselves and the board (nope, not a girl unfortunately). They "seized the moment" without even acknowledging what they were really doing. All they wanted to do was skate.


It's not always going to be happy days, and, amidst the grinding wheels and concrete dreams there's definitely going to be a few rats. So you've got to rise above it; don't let others bring you down. Believe in yourself that you're worth it. even if you're the only one that thinks so.


So on a grander scale, this skateboarder mentality might apply to something else. All I want do is live. Maybe taking a leaf out of a skater's book will cause me inspiration.  
Be real but keep your dreams alive. 
Think the best in people until they prove you otherwise. 
Make sure you laugh as much as you can and take note of when you do. You'll see what's making you happy and make sure you hold on to that.

Mistakes happen, some people suck, everyone hurts and yes, sometimes it's all very unfair. Find out what your passionate about and do it on purpose.

you spin me right round.


mainly i just like this picture,

there are a few things that aren't cool.

those f'ing heelies are one of them.
but indescribable on a continuum of cool & something i just don't understand is public humiliation to someone similar to you. why would you wish that upon someone?
i'm not trying to say i know exactly what i'm doing all the time or get 'mean girls' on your asses but c'mon now.
i was lucky enough in earlier years to have a group of girls that shared the same thinking, looked out for one another & never experienced grave accounts of 'drama', or not between eachother.
i realise i was blessed. i still am to have them in my life still.

what is the need for malicious judgments online, in an infinite space. whether it's there 10 seconds or 10 minutes.
allow attacking a person on a network of 'friends'. weird.

when you type, you're thinking about what you're writing. it cannot be spontaneous, it is premeditated.

maybe think.
i wish everybody got along, but unfortunately that will never be the case. surely there are too many good things in life to care about vocalising pathetic high-school vendettas.
i am in fact a new coffee fan.
sorry if you find reading this a waste of time. i genuinely think that my brain will explode soon. grrr.

peas & carrots. xX
currently listening to mariah carey 'we belong together'. & loving it.

no actual thoughts.



and sometimes we just have to sit down, put the tv on mute, play your favourite songs and think about everything at the same time.
round and round.

things you love, stuff you don't, things you wish hadn't happened, things you're glad that did.
what makes you tick, what makes you squirm. what do you reckon?
i love cheesy lyrics, toast, the word 'beard', lil wayne and positivity.
i hate baked beans (especially in those yogurt pots) and louis walsh.

i love picking up my best friends on the way to uni because we can sing along to radio one before our 9am lectures. and anyone that makes me laugh in a day.
and moments on shiny paper.
i hate spotify adverts.
i love anyone that actually gives a shit. because that's cool.
smile.
it only happens once.

k bye with love.

coincidence does not imply causality.

another kelly scowen original photo.

The 'cause and effect' philosophy. One action or event will encourage a certain response in the form of another event. The second event is the consequence of the first. This is causality. The fact that tsunamis are created when the tectonic plates under the ocean shift, causing an underwater earthquake is simply 'cause and effect'. We endure cause and effect everyday, sometimes not this purely.

However, on occasion we label these causes in error. This sneaky concept called coincidence steps in. But because of our humanity (or maybe it's just me), we feel the need to find reason behind everything. "I am this, because of this" etc. I mean, granted there are the obvious examples, like drinking your body weight in alcohol will inevitably make you feel like shit the next day. Or going to bed at stupid o'clock will make you feel tired and ruin your early start (can you tell I'm a student?). But these situations are on part controlled either chemically or physically. Alcohol is a drug and your body needs sleep.

What about the social actions we take and the effects that result? This feels much more ambiguous. Sometimes the line between 'consequence' and 'coincidence' is not so obvious. A part of me refuses to believe that everything must be consequence; it feels too deterministic. I do believe, on some level that incidents happen for a reason but maybe the idea of coincidence gives a little more room in the free will area.

Like reading someone's emails. Let's call her Confused. One day Confused leaves her emails open, in a place that I am unavoidably going to walk past. There's a monitor on, Yahoo! display on 100% brightness. Naturally attracted to it I'd wander over. Now what I read (yes, I should have probably walked away) are personal matters that I refuse to believe I should 'consequently' find and feel the need to deal with. If this was a 'consequence' of a previous action either myself or Confused had made then surely that means I now need to take action on this to form another. Are you with me? So even though the social situation involved has nothing whatsoever to do with me, the next move is mine.

Take this as 'coincidence' and I am not forced to or feel much obliged to do anything about it. I am not part of this; regardless of the fact I now know something private and arguably wrongful. 'Coincidence' remarks sequential events that have no apparent causal connection. At the same time Confused went out leaving the computer on, I walked into the house and up the stairs. Something that occurs everyday at some point. It just so happened that it was my unlucky day, that eventually ended in writing about it. Maybe I'll choose to get on with my life, love it and stop worrying.

new direction.



sometimes i think i know the roads i know too well.
i would quite like to find some new paths.
like the cute little windy ones when you're not sure where they'll lead. that might be fun.

blurry.



sometimes, things can be so beautiful when they are blurry. they can leave you feeling giddy with excitement of the unknown.
a blurry photo can represent a crystal clear moment that no one else would ever be able to grasp. the sunset behind the horizon could be anywhere. i know it's not.

but with blurriness there is no understanding, just a sort of teasing. and i don't know about you but to not understand something is the epitome of frustration. not in a 'i'm-being-nosy' way but in a way where to contemplate the situation makes your heart beat a bit faster. whether it's anger, sadness or bitterness.

right now, everything is blurry, it doesn't make sense. not really.
but somewhere, somehow i need to, for my own sake, find some beauty in the blurry.

i hope you feel no more pain & you have found who you are again, wherever you are right now. i miss you everyday.

forever young.



peace. calm. tranquil.
this photo is the complete opposite of any of the above words considering the night before.
but somehow its stillness amazes me. i don't know, maybe i'm going a little loony.
i feel like writing but i'm not sure what - currently watching south park in my living room with an essay only one CTRL + TAB press away. that is obviously why i feel like writing.

i'm fed up of talking about university, it is summer term & no one can make their mind up if time should be doubling up its pace in order for summer to be here or if it should slow the fuck down so nothing seems so rushed.
all i have is hope. fingers crossed.
it's just that everything seems to be plodding on almost timelessly.
i just quite fancy something a little extraordinary. silly things.

but it'll come. everyone keep remembering that!
as long as i have my cup of tea and my music in the morning, the day will never be too bad.

two weeks...but who's counting?!

don't worry. be happy.


that's my jewellery. most of it i wear all the time. i like it & it got me thinking.

jewellery is fun; it can make us happy.
the brighter the bracelets, the bigger the smile. or so it seems.
this can't be the fundamental source of being happy though.
so i guess my question is, what constitutes happiness?


this feeling or emotion that people are constantly striving to discover is something so subjective in oneself that one person's happiness could in fact be another person's downfall. don't search for it because chances are it's right in front of you & we all know that you miss what's right in front of your nose.
don't think too much; often an error in many people's thoughts. it'll screw you over. that whirlwind of random words in your mind that don't form sentences but just stick around. yeh, the thinking bit is overrated but make sure that whatever you think, you say. it'll feel better. you never know, someone may thank you for it.
don't just say what you think, talk about it.
talk long, talk deep, talk now and understand.
but of all of it, do laugh!
laugh until your stomach hurts, laugh until you can see the tears in your eyes & everything else seems flooded in that laughter.
you'll soon find that with that laughter comes a smile right back at you.
through that smile opposite you will find a person responsible for the happiness you feel in that moment <3>never let that person go. i didn't!

over & out.
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do you want to go to the seaside?



the sun seems to put a smile on your face, no matter how you're feeling.
and on the beach, there are no worries.
just like sun soaking up the dampness on the streets, it evaporates any inkling that life isn't just perfect.

"find a real friend today by being able to answer the question,
'how are you?'
with complete honesty. because sometimes, you might find you're not 'okay'.

peace. xk


stargaze.

tonight i walked home. 2am through a grass square surrounded by trees. a single lampost stood lonely, completely in the middle. although i couldn't see the stars, they were there. just behind the twilight sky of apparent nothingness. my hood pulled loosely over my head managed to obstruct my usual awareness and peripheral vision but in that moment it didn't matter. looking directly ahead was my only option.

and that's it.
don't worry about what happened; what is already behind you.
and don't worry about that distant future you can't see yet; it's there.

but most of all, those stars. they're in you, however much you might doubt it sometimes.
they're around you. in those peeps we call friends that brighten up your day with the smallest things.
maybe you can't always see them and maybe you won't always be able to feel them.
tonight i did and it was wonderful! believe it.

and that's what i thought about as my expression broke into a smile as i got to my front door :)

goodnight world.